Wednesday, July 21, 2010

a little introspection

despite of what i said to myself i'm gonna keep this journal text-free for most of the time, i just realized that "hey, I'm pretty lazy in editing and uploading images." actually, I sorta lost vision on what I was going to do with this blog in the first place, so I guess now I'm trying to refocus again.

to be honest, knowing that this blog is just one speck of dust in the sea of other blogs make me feel a bit better, since that means it's literally meaningless. I have a love-hate relationship with this blog, it's like 2 forces clashing in my head and they go "the fuck you're doing girl?" and i go "dunno man"

why I put them online anyway if i don't really tell anyone about this place? beats me. but hey, if you have 2cents...

at first i started this blog for myself really, to kinda document my little personal diary comics thing. I used to make something similar to this around 2002 till about 2005 ish, then i took them down around 2007. I was never an expressive person when i was younger, I draw to let off my steam. I put them online, people start coming, i felt like "oh wow people are paying attention and actually care, that's weird." so i kept doing it till i have a good few hundreds of strips.

the bad part is that i think i was spoiled by the attention. I dunno, I was young, and again I was socially inept until I moved to canada in 2004. circa 2002-2004 I was a teenager, and most teenagers are stupid, so after I reread all my old strips recently, i realized I was desperately fishing for attention around 2003-2004 period, i'm so ashamed to read it again, even.

i think that's the dilemma of this type of journal comics. many people do this type of thing, which is fine since I see journal comics are basically similar to livejournal except it is drawn and have visual base. everyone who made this type of thing have their own reasons, i just have to be clear with mine, but i feel like i don't even know why I'm doing this anymore.

on one hand, i draw these little personal comics for my own personal enjoyment or self expression because sometimes I just can't say things with words to myself lest to other people. when i feel sad, when i feel happy, when i feel lonely, when i feel like million bucks, sometimes words just wouldn't cut it. I could just scream, I could just .. I don't know, you name it. But since I can't do those things, I draw them out.

on the other hand, sometimes i just absolutely loathe this. not one of "oh my drawings arent good enough" thing, but more like me saying to the 'character' "hey, you're dumb."

it's kinda self loathing but at the same time it's not. on one hand I realized at the moment when i drew these things, it's really just me drawing what i really want to express out without thinking of how stupid/good/bad it looks like (aka before I stop myself). on the other hand, once i left and went back to see all these I couldn't help but say why.

after a long while i realize I'll never win the battle of "is it ok to keep drawing or will it just end making me hate drawing" and i just have to live with the fact, maybe this is just the way i will be for a long, long time. I really don't want to stop drawing, i really don't, but i can't help the fact that i slowly grow to resent it.

part of the problem is that i think i have an unresolved issue that, I rely on drawing TOO much. I'm pushing myself to actually get better at communicating in other ways, such as writing and talking. I can talk and write fine for the most part. Work, friends, etc i can do it no problem. I just suck at actually expressing my very inner desire. I can't really handle them, because I'm unsure if anyone else will either.

it's just mindboggling to me on how easy it is to get along with people in general, (work, social, etc) but so hard to get along with yourself and be honest with what you want and what you'd like to have and get. at least for me.

So... maybe that's why i start to resent drawing in general, because it shows me what I really want yet I can't really deal. drawing them out will not make any difference, except to show myself. i guess it's kinda like having conversation with myself, except it's not always something i want to hear, so you argue with yourself and then get all bent.

but, having a conversation with yourself is not necessarily a bad thing, i find. in fact it's very helpful in many cases since there's a certain degree of self-awareness. but there's only so much you can do with yourself.

Friday, July 2, 2010